Yesterday was just a horrific day, one of the most horrible I’ve had in a long time!
It’s funny but I never seem to get out of this dreadful spiral I’m trapped in… one day is almost perfectly alright while the next one nearly is killing me emotionally, and the only one that I have to talk to about it with is my dear hubby who I have a feeling is deadly tired of my crying and awful mood swings, yes I am aware of the unintentional pun or whatever you might call it.
I have totally lost interest in anything; not even shopping excites me anymore. I thought grieving was supposed to get easier by time, not the opposite!
Usually by this time of year I’m done with all lists about things needed to be done and prepared before Christmas.
I, or should I say we have this tradition that the first of advent everything is prepped and done when it comes to decoration. I suppose it stems from this Swedish tradition where you light the first candle in the advent candle holder as well as the star in the window that symbolizes the star of the three kings on their way to find the crib.
I think what has hit me hardest is the discovery that I am totally alone when it really comes to it.
I know my life usually have a habit of doing turns in 180 and something brand new shows up, either by changing profession or circle of friends. It was a long time ago I stopped believing that you keep your friends for life… it is just a romanticized picture of how things should be.
I fully know that I have a somewhat cynical outlook on the world but that’s what I’ve learnt through my journey so far. I also know that my reaction to this whole thing is anything but normal, but I think it might be my medication that I am forced to take for my chronic pain that I suffer from. It is very strong and unfortunately has the side effect that it cuts all the emotional tops off as it dampens the pain in the nerves and therefor also my emotions of how I experience things, among them emotional pain. So I am stuck in a limbo so to speak.
Sometimes the thought of ending things have actually popped up, but I love life to much, not to mention my hubby. And knowing how much it would hurt him, it’s just a thought that's never been serious just played with as a comfort when times have been way to dark for me!
What I find hardest to endure is the fact that I was not allowed saying goodbye or ending things in a nicer way, it took two weeks before I was informed that she had passed away.
A family member sent me a text that I should call, I suppose I wasn’t even worthy of a normal call, I had to call up myself and get the information. What the person first said is not something I am going to repeat here as I think it is slightly too cynical even by my standards.
It took all my training as an actor to keep my voice under control during the conversation, which horribly mostly was about how much money we might inherit. Proper talking just as one finds out that one’s mother died.
I’ve had this idea that I should do some sort of tribute, by singing one of her favourite songs and make a nice video to it, but honestly I don’t know if I will be able to make it, first of all I haven’t sang anything for two years not to mention the fact knowing how much the song meant to my mother! She actually wanted me to sing it at her funeral as well as organize it, but sadly it never came around to that.
One good thing that I discovered the other day that is that I still have a voice, a bit rusty but fully workable! But every time I try to practice on the song I start crying, it’s funny! I used to know this song in my sleep and could sing it at any time, but now I mix words up, I forget in which order the verses are sung and so on. But if I make it I'll make it, otherwise I will put something up from YouTube.
But back to Christmas…
Like I said earlier I am what they might call a Christmas freak, everything must be pimped and ready on the night to the first of advent! So I suppose I have to pull the last strength out of me and pull it off somehow.
It’s funny! When we moved here almost 15 years ago, and I started decorate the house as usual people were standing outside our window taking pictures, we lived in another area at that time in a smaller flat so it was much less to decorate and one day when I came in to the bedroom from the kitchen I saw people standing outside taking pics of my decorations, thank God things have changed through the years, the American way of decorating is becoming more usual.
The first year we lived here we decorated the stairwell leading up to our flat, and the rest of the house was totally chocked, nobody had obviously gotten the idea before to decorate outside, but now the neighbours have joined in and the lady downstairs are competing with us in a friendly way in which one can have the most blinking tree outside the door, and of course we, i.e. hubby usually wins ;-)
He is the one who takes care of the outside while I do the inside. But I must admit the lady is catching up and getting more advanced every year that goes.
And as she is the unofficial boss of the house the rest have slowly joined in by time, which is kind of nice, it looks a little Swedish when you come home in the nights and see all the lights shining and blinking regardless the style people have chosen.
The other day we visited the big and expensive department store to buy some things that we are collecting and buy a little of year by year, it is the Christmas china from Villeroy & Boch
Yes perhaps it can be seen as a little tacky but I always wanted a special tableware for Christmas and when I saw this a couple of years ago my heart just melted, don’t know why but it is something about it that I really like even though it’s not “my” colours.
Usually when I was a kid my mother hosted the Christmas dinner and the following day my eldest sister did it. When I was a kid and up to my late teenage I had this silly dream that one day I and my boyfriend would hold it as well, (same sex couples didn’t have the same rights then as now to marry)
But slowly by time I realized little by little that my dream most probably never would come true, no fairy godmother a la Cinderella to help me out with that, I have a faint memory of telling my mother or sister and simply getting a smile and a pat on the head for having such foolish dreams.
I don’t know if it was because I was single or because I was gay and not expected to pull such things off. To be really honest I don’t think any of them ever thought I would meet someone and have a serious relationship, similar to a straight one.
Even though I never said anything it really hurt me, being dismissed have never been one of my strengths… and still isn’t.
I think that’s when I started to realize that nothing was ever expected from, or by me. The funny thing is without bragging I am actually the best cock and interior decorator in the family. Most of the cooking I’ve learnt from my mother and then I’ve simply read and experimented my way till I got it right. I never follow a recipe, not even the first time I try it out. A recipe for me is more of a suggestion then an actual instruction of how to do things.
Now when I think back I can’t for the life of me remember that my youngest sister ever hosted a Christmas dinner or even a new year’s dinner, maybe she has and I simply forgotten?
And as usual I couldn’t hold myself from buying more Christmas decorations, even though I promised both myself and hubby that I wouldn’t. My defence is that among all the Scandinavian inspired decorations I found some decorations in gold and crystal so I didn’t dare to ignore it, as last year they didn’t have one thing that was compatible with what I have.
For some odd reason the Scandinavian style is highly popular down here. But I suppose the American influence is getting stronger year after year, from what I’ve understood the Scandinavian style is considered très chic on the other side of the pond!
So I filled my little basket up with everything I could find that would work with our style, it’s a long time since I’ve seen a clerk that happy when I picked one thing after another off the shelves, he even came with special boxes to put the things in, which is a bit unusual when you buy something down here. But considering how often I shop there I guess he knew my purchases would give him a nice commission! But I have bought things from him before and he is always very nice and respectful so it was well worth the expense.
As most of you surely discovered by now some of the things are just prattling from my side to have something to put out on the blog.
I have thought for a while to somehow redo my Facebook page and merge it with the “artistic” one to become one, but as the marvellous technical genius I am… not, I need the help of my hubby, but unfortunately he is highly busy with his work right now. I don’t know if it is possible and still keep the possibility for people to post something or if they only can respond to my posts, but as not many actually post something on my page anyway, I really don’t see it as a problem, and the fault is mine which I’m fully aware of as I’m not the best commenter myself. So I guess what goes around comes around as they say ;-)
I am a bit sad though that the interaction from some in my family is so sparse as I’m quite sure they are aware how I feel for the moment, but perhaps I get what I deserve according to them, I really don’t know, maybe I’m not the good brother I try to be? It’s hard to know when people never say what they want or need from you!
It’s a bit funny how this blog have turned out, it has become way more personal then I intended from the start. My intention was to show only the good things and boast a little the way you are supposed to do at FB, but instead it has taken a life of its own. Perhaps it’s good, people get to see the real me, at least a part of me that they might not have seen before.
To be frank I don’t care that much any longer. I feel that I am getting closer to one of my famous and usual cuts, meaning I simply drop the people I don’t care about. I have never seen the purpose of turning the other cheek, when I care about someone I give them a chance or two but after that I really don’t see the purpose of keeping them in my life any longer.
They simply take a place I could give to someone else who really care and show it.
Well my little darlings, I’m heading in to the shower trying to restore some of the faded glory I once had ;-)
And for once I will not end my post with one of my songs, if you have any interest you know where to find them by now…