Today is an unusual dark day for me! It’s my birthday and so far none has remembered or said anything about it except, for my little hubby last night just a couple of minutes after midnight.
It is on days like this I can feel how lonely I really am, and this year even more, considering my mother always called me or sent a card wishing me all the best and telling me how much she loved me.
And this year there will be no call or card telling me how much I am being loved. I am not going to lie; it’s hurtful knowing that it requires a note from Facebook or Google that someone in your family is having a birthday.
And as I haven’t filled in when my birthday is there is no reminder for them, honestly I don’t think they would care anyway. I have a feeling that it actually was my mother who reminded them…
Maybe I’m odd, but I usually remember the ones I care about without any notations from this or that company or app to know when to send a birthday or Christmas greeting to someone in my own family.
But like I’ve said in previous posts I have come to understand that I don’t mean shit to some of them and it is okay. Somehow when my mother passed this so called family totally imploded which I knew would happen, so it’s hardly a surprise, but none the less it is a little hurtful!
Despite my garish boastfulness on Facebook about my latest and often expensive purchases more often than seldom, mentioning my ab fab life, or my constant boasting of my miracle of a husband and his background, these things are actually true, and I am effing grateful for actually having the possibility to live this kind of life, and it is definitely not something I take for granted! On the contrary!
Not many with that kind of life I’ve had have had the luck of ending up where I am today. So I am extremely grateful for what I have, even if it doesn’t sound like that always.
But it wasn’t my “wonderful” life I was supposed to write about, it was more about how my life is feeling darker and darker every day and it feels like I’m falling down a well that is so deep so I can hardly see the light up there anymore!
The few times I go out anymore, I try to hurry back home as fast as I can, because when I go out I realize how much of my life I’ve lost the last year and it scares me. I used to be a person that was blessed with an enormous strength when it came to mentality and psyche, and now somehow all that is gone!
Not only because of the passing of my mother but also to being misdiagnosed and given medication that has turned me in to something that’s totally feeble and soulless!
Honestly when I look into the mirror I don’t recognize what I see anymore, I see my face, but the spunk, strength and the will of mind that could move a mountain if necessary is totally gone and I am beginning to fear that they are lost forever.
Sometimes I wonder if the doctor who prescribed me the shit I have to take to be able to function physically actually knew what he was doing to me? He actually told me once at a revisit that I could take as much as I felt that I needed.
And to clear things up it is not my ordinary doctor that also is my friend I am talking about!
The doctor I’m talking about is a specialist on my disease, my ordinary doctor is shocked that they didn’t take any tests or examined me to see why I had such pain before giving me this shit I am forced to take. And no I am not going to tell you any names!
But I can tell you that the recommendation he gave about taking as much as I felt I needed could have killed me if I would have done it, what he didn’t tell me was that the medication is highly addictive and induces more pain to make the brain and body believe it has more pain when it in fact doesn’t.
So he could just have given me a rope to hang myself with, it would have been faster, cheaper and less destroying for me as a person.
He has other patients with the same disease as I, so I can’t help but wonder what kind of state they are in besides having this quite painful disease to fight.
Yes this is a very revealing post about me, but I have a feeling some people think my life is something to be envious about when in fact it is as far from it you can come.
If I could turn back the clock and know what I didn’t know then, I would never agree to take what he prescribed; I would rather have kept on living with the pain that was truly so insufferable it made me cry. And I have never cried no matter how much pain I have had!
Not even after surgery where they more or less rearranged my pelvis, including cutting all the muscles off, and trust me that hurts a lot, or rather like hell I would say! But not even then did I cry…
Well I can’t say this was a fun post to write, and normally a little to revealing about my life but somehow I felt it was necessary!
Happy birthday to myself
And for once I am not going to shove one of my songs down your throats
It will be this one instead…