Thursday, May 16, 2019

Palestine, Native Americans and then some Israelis

Yet another boring day is passing by and the heat is unbearable inside.  I really should take a shower but I think I skip that today as well…

I saw on the news that Alabama has got the law signed that bans all abortions, unless the mother’s life is in danger. How kind of them to put that in…

But if you as a woman or girl get raped or are exposed to incest then you have no rights what so ever and the doctor will be sentenced to jail for 99 years while the rapist or the guy who performed the incest only gets ten. Talk about justice! The most horrible is that the kid if it is a kid could be as young as 11 or 12 but still has to carry out the pregnancy, Americans are fucking crazy!!!

And for some reason when decisions like these are made it’s always men who make them. I can’t help but wonder how men would react if a big group of women decided that all men should be castrated i.e. get their balls cut off. 
Ok, not exactly the same thing but not far from. Personally I am prolife, but that doesn’t mean I can decide for another human being and her body, especially if I don’t know shit about the woman’s life or situation, what I think personally has NOTHING to do with what I should think of as a governor of Alabama. I actually got so pissed so I wrote to her on Instagram telling her how I felt.

Then I saw that there obviously been a "horribly" violent Hamas action, can’t say I blame them, God knows if I wouldn’t have done the same thing! 

I wonder how all the Israeli-friendly Americans would have reacted if the Native Americans had started fighting back for their country? What I find a bit funny is that it only seems to be Palestinians who died while all the little cute Israeli soldiers survived?

But I’ve understood that sympathy and most of all intelligence isn’t the most strong sides among all immigrated, but oh so true Americans! My God, most Americans can mostly count their descendants back only a few generations. Mayfair came from Britain so not much native there either.

Actually when I think about it, the Israelis and the Americans have a lot in common, stealing other peoples land for example.

Maybe I should go over to our neighbour and throw her and her kids out so hubby and I could build a whole condo considering we have the top flats, I’m sure she would agree happily with a smile and call a moving company right away, perhaps they could leave the piano so I have something to practice on…

As most of you understand I am not very fond of Americans or Israelis as well for that matter, both of the people are so full of them self that only one of them would fit in the place where it’s very warm.

Nope, here is someone that is enormously grateful for being European!    

So this year I am boycotting the Eurovision because no way in the warmer place am I watching something from a country that is full of hypocrites!

I have a suggestion for Israel and America! Why not bomb all of Palestine so you get rid of the shit and then you have your little holy land that was written about in a book 2000 years ago by people who had heard it from other people and so on…

And then there is Trump with his politic that could scare the dead, but oh he is the smartest president USA ever had, at least according to himself, if it wasn’t so sad I would cry, the whole world is laughing at him and he doesn’t understand it.

Something I been wondering is that you never see Melania anymore, has she gone in hiding, or is she so embarrassed so she only go out during the nights so people won’t recognise her, well I feel sorry for her, it can’t be easy being married to the biggest idiot on the planet! 

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

Shakespeare And Suicide

The other day i saw some pictures from Karl Lagerfeld’s funeral and I couldn’t help but think about my own passing and how different it would be. 

His was crowded with people both inside and outside the church. And I’m quite sure it was very beautiful considering he had planned everything himself.

When I die it won’t be a human being there except the priest and the organist, and perhaps my hubby if he’s still alive and we are together.

Somehow it is fitting considering the only one who really have loved and liked me is my mother, my siblings not so much, to be honest I don’t know why but I suppose they have had their reasons. Once when I asked my mother she said they were jealous, but what has there been to envy…

That I was born disabled and with a face that could scare Frankenstein’s monster, or that I have spent more or less half my life in hospitals for different operations, as far as I can remember I didn’t get many visits from them while I was hospitalised, during the time I was in once for three months they came once. Just to tell me that one of them was cheating on her husband, exactly what you want to hear when you are ready to scream of pain...

When I was somewhat over 20 and tried to commit suicide and was lying in coma for three days and the doctors said that if I didn’t die I would most probably become a vegetable, I remember when I woke up how everybody was standing around my bed crying and telling me how much they loved me, it took a month so was everything back to normal i.e. nobody gave a shit.

When I met hubby and decided to move to Spain with him the only one who cared was my mum, the others didn’t give a shit.

When my mother got sick it was I who had to fly to Sweden to make a silly phone call that one of my sisters could have done, but I suppose it was more convenient that I flew across Europe to call someone that was living not very far away from my mother, the constant excuse I got was that I was so good on talking to people just because I had been working in a similar field. 
Every time I was home I shopped the fridge and freezer full and cooked for her so she shouldn’t have to do that. 

The only thing as far as I know is that my sister went and got money for her and then “borrowed” big sums that she never had to pay back considering my mother felt sorry for her. 

Once when my nephew "came along" on his birthday he said he wanted money as a gift and that even before he had said hello and given her a hug!

My mother wanted me to arrange her funeral but as I said it would take days before I could be in Sweden, and for some reason it took two weeks before we got to know that she had died despite that both I and my sister were written as contact persons. 

So my sister fixed the funeral and as expected she picked the cheapest things so it would be as much money as possible to inherit, she even asked if all of us could share a wreath, I told her that it was customary that each family sent one, and I knew she would share with someone else so I bought a wreath and hubby a bouquet, and despite we had talked about colours nothing matched.

After the coffee and sandwiches in a room in the church we all went to the grave and my nephew had a scene more or less taken from one of Shakespeare’s plays, throwing himself on the ground and screaming how much he loved her, oddly enough he never called or visited her while she was alive, but I suppose that’s love now a days! 

It was so embarrassing so most of us had to look away except his dear mother that was so comforting so she didn’t see how all of us were looking away.

After that we all went to my mother’s flat and she didn’t more than open the door until my nephew started collecting things, after a while when he asked if he could take a thing and I said no he told me I had a good eye for valuable things and I replied just like you it seems,  perhaps you should let us kids take what we want before you start picking out everything that is worth anything. (and I could tell that several things were already missing) Yes, I can be a bitch but I hate hypocrisy, because all the time in the flat he was laughing and joking like he was on a party while the rest of us tried to show some respect. 

To be honest it was like a funeral from hell... Hubby said that he didn't see my sister cry at all while my niece's kids were running around screaming and playing, they are around 1-5 years old.

Plus that only hubby and I were dressed for a funeral, my sisters family came in ripped jeans and cropped sweaters...

When my sister messed me and asked to call, I have lived here 15 years and I think she has called once or twice all the other times I have called her, she told me mum was dead and wasn’t it nice to be rid of the old witch. 

I got so shocked so I just said aha or something like that. There you can talk about love between child and mother…

And things I know my sister had said she tried to make me believe mum had said, she didn’t know that my mother had already told me the right version, among other things that it was best if my brother didn’t know that I was gay and married to a man.

Terribly enough is most of my family like this, except my brother and his kids, they are totally the opposite! 

Unfortunately when I had had enough of my sister and her lies I deleted everybody including them which I regret enormously! 

If I dared I would send them a friend request, but I’m terrified of getting a no or no answer at all.

I could write a whole book about my family and all shit that has happened during the years, but there is already a book written about us so… 

So in a way am I enormously grateful that nobody is coming, and I am sorry sis but you won't get a thing, if hubby is alive I will tell him to empty the flat and sell all things and the money will be donated to animal shelters, and my money in the bank accounts will also be donated as they are going to a Spanish bank. And if he can't I will make sure someone else does it!

Maybe I should write that book anyway... I'm not exactly short of material ;-)         


Thursday, February 28, 2019

Cheating and Balls

Not to be cruel but I think Khloe Kardashian deserves everything that has happened to her with this latest cheating affair considering she has done the same thing herself to others.

And is she so stupid so she goes back to someone who has cheated on her before and decides to get pregnant with him, then she can have it and a little more!

Karma has a funny way of hitting you when you least expect it. Regarding the whole Kardashian clan; they are nothing but whores, even if they happen to be dressed in Gucci and Versace.

You are what you are no matter what you put on! I usually don’t give a shit what all the so called celebrities do but the Kardashians really makes me want to throw up. They are something you find in the gutter! I.E white trash in other words, it doesn’t matter how many fancy dresses, houses and men they put their hands on… just like the saying goes: a cat is a cat is a cat... I would say a whore is a whore is a whore

Do any of them live with their real children’s father? I don’t know how many children they have with different men. all while they are playing little saints and victims on TV and in papers.

And need so much makeup and photoshopping (not to mention all plastic surgery!) when they are in the papers or on the TV! 

If they didn’t disgust me so much I would feel sorry for them but I find them way to pathetic, and unfortunately the more shit they get the more I think they should have!

But as they say what goes around comes around, so I don’t think it’s the last cheating story we’ll hear about them

#KhloeKardashian #Sextape #Cheating #JordynWoods #TristanThompson #NBL

Saturday, August 25, 2018

Fags and Coffee!

I think I've reached the famous point where I have given up!
There is nothing more to fight, or even dream about anymore...
I can't tell the days apart anymore because they are all alike
I've always seen myself as a fighter that never gives up no matter what...
life is funny when it's joking with you...
well well, time for a cigarette and some more coffee... 


Monday, July 23, 2018

I love when shit like this happens... It shows who is right and who is wrong...


Sunday, November 20, 2016

Thoughts On A Rainy Sunday

Yesterday was just a horrific day, one of the most horrible I’ve had in a long time!

It’s funny but I never seem to get out of this dreadful spiral I’m trapped in… one day is almost perfectly alright while the next one nearly is killing me emotionally, and the only one that I have to talk to about it with is my dear hubby who I have a feeling is deadly tired of my crying and awful mood swings, yes I am aware of the unintentional pun or whatever you might call it.

I have totally lost interest in anything; not even shopping excites me anymore. I thought grieving was supposed to get easier by time, not the opposite!

Usually by this time of year I’m done with all lists about things needed to be done and prepared before Christmas.

I, or should I say we have this tradition that the first of advent everything is prepped and done when it comes to decoration. I suppose it stems from this Swedish tradition where you light the first candle in the advent candle holder as well as the star in the window that symbolizes the star of the three kings on their way to find the crib.

I think what has hit me hardest is the discovery that I am totally alone when it really comes to it. 
I know my life usually have a habit of doing turns in 180 and something brand new shows up, either by changing profession or circle of friends. It was a long time ago I stopped believing that you keep your friends for life… it is just a romanticized picture of how things should be.

I fully know that I have a somewhat cynical outlook on the world but that’s what I’ve learnt through my journey so far. I also know that my reaction to this whole thing is anything but normal, but I think it might be my medication that I am forced to take for my chronic pain that I suffer from. It is very strong and unfortunately has the side effect that it cuts all the emotional tops off as it dampens the pain in the nerves and therefor also my emotions of how I experience things, among them emotional pain. So I am stuck in a limbo so to speak.

Sometimes the thought of ending things have actually popped up, but I love life to much, not to mention my hubby. And knowing how much it would hurt him, it’s just a thought that's never been serious just played with as a comfort when times have been way to dark for me!

What I find hardest to endure is the fact that I was not allowed saying goodbye or ending things in a nicer way, it took two weeks before I was informed that she had passed away. 
A family member sent me a text that I should call, I suppose I wasn’t even worthy of a normal call, I had to call up myself and get the information. What the person first said is not something I am going to repeat here as I think it is slightly too cynical even by my standards.

It took all my training as an actor to keep my voice under control during the conversation, which horribly mostly was about how much money we might inherit. Proper talking just as one finds out that one’s mother died.

I’ve had this idea that I should do some sort of tribute, by singing one of her favourite songs and make a nice video to it, but honestly I don’t know if I will be able to make it, first of all I haven’t sang anything for two years not to mention the fact knowing how much the song meant to my mother! She actually wanted me to sing it at her funeral as well as organize it, but sadly it never came around to that.

One good thing that I discovered the other day that is that I still have a voice, a bit rusty but fully workable! But every time I try to practice on the song I start crying, it’s funny! I used to know this song in my sleep and could sing it at any time, but now I mix words up, I forget in which order the verses are sung and so on. But if I make it I'll make it, otherwise I will put something up from YouTube.

But back to Christmas… 

Like I said earlier I am what they might call a Christmas freak, everything must be pimped and ready on the night to the first of advent! So I suppose I have to pull the last strength out of me and pull it off somehow. 

It’s funny! When we moved here almost 15 years ago, and I started decorate the house as usual people were standing outside our window taking pictures, we lived in another area at that time in a smaller flat so it was much less to decorate and one day when I came in to the bedroom from the kitchen I saw people standing outside taking pics of my decorations, thank God things have changed through the years, the American way of decorating is becoming more usual.

The first year we lived here we decorated the stairwell leading up to our flat, and the rest of the house was totally chocked, nobody had obviously gotten the idea before to decorate outside, but now the neighbours have joined in and the lady downstairs are competing with us in a friendly way in which one can have the most blinking tree outside the door, and of course we, i.e. hubby usually wins ;-)  
He is the one who takes care of the outside while I do the inside. But I must admit the lady is catching up and getting more advanced every year that goes.

And as she is the unofficial boss of the house the rest have slowly joined in by time, which is kind of nice, it looks a little Swedish when you come home in the nights and see all the lights shining and blinking regardless the style people have chosen.

The other day we visited the big and expensive department store to buy some things that we are collecting and buy a little of year by year, it is the Christmas china from Villeroy & Boch

Yes perhaps it can be seen as a little tacky but I always wanted a special tableware for Christmas  and when I saw this a couple of years ago my heart just melted, don’t know why but it is something about it that I really like even though it’s not “my” colours.

Usually when I was a kid my mother hosted the Christmas dinner and the following day my eldest sister did it. When I was a kid and up to my late teenage I had this silly dream that one day I and my boyfriend would hold it as well, (same sex couples didn’t have the same rights then as now to marry) 

But slowly by time I realized little by little that my dream most probably never would come true, no fairy godmother a la Cinderella to help me out with that, I have a faint memory of telling my mother or sister and simply getting a smile and a pat on the head for having such foolish dreams. 

I don’t know if it was because I was single or because I was gay and not expected to pull such things off. To be really honest I don’t think any of them ever thought I would meet someone and have a serious relationship, similar to a straight one.
Even though I never said anything it really hurt me, being dismissed have never been one of my strengths… and still isn’t. 

I think that’s when I started to realize that nothing was ever expected from, or by me. The funny thing is without bragging I am actually the best cock and interior decorator in the family. Most of the cooking I’ve learnt from my mother and then I’ve simply read and experimented my way till I got it right. I never follow a recipe, not even the first time I try it out. A recipe for me is more of a suggestion then an actual instruction of how to do things.

Now when I think back I can’t for the life of me remember that my youngest sister ever hosted a Christmas dinner or even a new year’s dinner, maybe she has and I simply forgotten?

And as usual I couldn’t hold myself from buying more Christmas decorations, even though I promised both myself and hubby that I wouldn’t. My defence is that among all the Scandinavian inspired decorations I found some decorations in gold and crystal so I didn’t dare to ignore it, as last year they didn’t have one thing that was compatible with what I have.

For some odd reason the Scandinavian style is highly popular down here. But I suppose the American influence is getting stronger year after year, from what I’ve understood the Scandinavian style is considered très chic on the other side of the pond!

So I filled my little basket up with everything I could find that would work with our style, it’s a long time since I’ve seen a clerk that happy when I picked one thing after another off the shelves, he even came with special boxes to put the things in, which is a bit unusual when you buy something down here. But considering how often I shop there I guess he knew my purchases would give him a nice commission! But I have bought things from him before and he is always very nice and respectful so it was well worth the expense. 

As most of you surely discovered by now some of the things are just prattling from my side to have something to put out on the blog.

I have thought for a while to somehow redo my Facebook page and merge it with the “artistic” one to become one, but as the marvellous technical genius I am… not, I need the help of my hubby, but unfortunately he is highly busy with his work right now. I don’t know if it is possible and still keep the possibility for people to post something or if they only can respond to my posts, but as not many actually post something on my page anyway, I really don’t see it as a problem, and the fault is mine which I’m fully aware of as I’m not the best commenter myself. So I guess what goes around comes around as they say ;-)

I am a bit sad though that the interaction from some in my family is so sparse as I’m quite sure they are aware how I feel for the moment, but perhaps I get what I deserve according to them, I really don’t know, maybe I’m not the good brother I try to be? It’s hard to know when people never say what they want or need from you!

It’s a bit funny how this blog have turned out, it has become way more personal then I intended from the start. My intention was to show only the good things and boast a little the way you are supposed to do at FB, but instead it has taken a life of its own. Perhaps it’s good, people get to see the real me, at least a part of me that they might not have seen before. 

To be frank I don’t care that much any longer. I feel that I am getting closer to one of my famous and usual cuts, meaning I simply drop the people I don’t care about. I have never seen the purpose of turning the other cheek, when I care about someone I give them a chance or two but after that I really don’t see the purpose of keeping them in my life any longer.

They simply take a place I could give to someone else who really care and show it.

Well my little darlings, I’m heading in to the shower trying to restore some of the faded glory I once had ;-)  

And for once I will not end my post with one of my songs, if you have any interest you know where to find them by now…

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Sound of Silence...

Today is an unusual dark day for me! It’s my birthday and so far none has remembered or said anything about it except, for my little hubby last night just a couple of minutes after midnight.

It is on days like this I can feel how lonely I really am, and this year even more, considering my mother always called me or sent a card wishing me all the best and telling me how much she loved me.

And this year there will be no call or card telling me how much I am being loved. I am not going to lie; it’s hurtful knowing that it requires a note from Facebook or Google that someone in your family is having a birthday.

And as I haven’t filled in when my birthday is there is no reminder for them, honestly I don’t think they would care anyway. I have a feeling that it actually was my mother who reminded them… 

Maybe I’m odd, but I usually remember the ones I care about without any notations from this or that company or app to know when to send a birthday or Christmas greeting to someone in my own family.

But like I’ve said in previous posts I have come to understand that I don’t mean shit to some of them and it is okay. Somehow when my mother passed this so called family totally imploded which I knew would happen, so it’s hardly a surprise, but none the less it is a little hurtful!

Despite my garish boastfulness on Facebook about my latest and often expensive purchases more often than seldom, mentioning my ab fab life, or my constant boasting of my miracle of a husband and his background, these things are actually true, and I am effing grateful for actually having the possibility to live this kind of life, and it is definitely not something I take for granted! On the contrary!

Not many with that kind of life I’ve had have had the luck of ending up where I am today. So I am extremely grateful for what I have, even if it doesn’t sound like that always.

But it wasn’t my “wonderful” life I was supposed to write about, it was more about how my life is feeling darker and darker every day and it feels like I’m falling down a well that is so deep so I can hardly see the light up there anymore!

The few times I go out anymore, I try to hurry back home as fast as I can, because when I go out I realize how much of my life I’ve lost the last year and it scares me. I used to be a person that was blessed with an enormous strength when it came to mentality and psyche, and now somehow all that is gone!

Not only because of the passing of my mother but also to being misdiagnosed and given medication that has turned me in to something that’s totally feeble and soulless!

Honestly when I look into the mirror I don’t recognize what I see anymore, I see my face, but the spunk, strength and the will of mind that could move a mountain if necessary is totally gone and I am beginning to fear that they are lost forever.

Sometimes I wonder if the doctor who prescribed me the shit I have to take to be able to function physically actually knew what he was doing to me? He actually told me once at a revisit that I could take as much as I felt that I needed.

And to clear things up it is not my ordinary doctor that also is my friend I am talking about!

The doctor I’m talking about is a specialist on my disease, my ordinary doctor is shocked that they didn’t take any tests or examined me to see why I had such pain before giving me this shit I am forced to take. And no I am not going to tell you any names!

But I can tell you that the recommendation he gave about taking as much as I felt I needed could have killed me if I would have done it, what he didn’t tell me was that the medication is highly addictive and induces more pain to make the brain and body believe it has more pain when it in fact doesn’t.

So he could just have given me a rope to hang myself with, it would have been faster, cheaper and less destroying for me as a person.

He has other patients with the same disease as I, so I can’t help but wonder what kind of state they are in besides having this quite painful disease to fight.

Yes this is a very revealing post about me, but I have a feeling some people think my life is something to be envious about when in fact it is as far from it you can come.

If I could turn back the clock and know what I didn’t know then, I would never agree to take what he prescribed; I would rather have kept on living with the pain that was truly so insufferable it made me cry. And I have never cried no matter how much pain I have had!

Not even after surgery where they more or less rearranged my pelvis, including cutting all the muscles off, and trust me that hurts a lot, or rather like hell I would say! But not even then did I cry…
Well I can’t say this was a fun post to write, and normally a little to revealing about my life but somehow I felt it was necessary!

Well, anyways…

Happy birthday to myself

And for once I am not going to shove one of my songs down your throats

It will be this one instead…